Stunted Adults

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The Stunted Guide to Wedding Planning

Not too long ago, PinotNinja and I attended a pretty great wedding celebrating one of our dearest college friends. It was a lovely wedding, with lots of charm and character that came directly from the bride and groom. Leading up to the blessed event, we got to talking about weddings we had attended where things were… not so lovely? You know the wedding where the Best Man gives a terrible speech, there is a cash bar, and it is outside in the middle of winter? Or, when the groom says the name of his ex in his vows, the bride and groom are getting married for a reality TV show, or someone brings a badger to a wedding? Though some of this comes from real life experience, there’s much to be learned from our favorite point of reference: Pop Culture.

And with that, we present The Stunted Guide to Wedding Planning.

1) Don’t Say Your Ex’s Name During Your Vows

Oh, Ross. You are the worst. But you know what was horrible? When you said Rachel’s name when you were marrying Emily. You know what was great? When you said Rachel’s name when you were marrying Emily.

Take heed all non-Friends characters caught in a will they/won’t they scenario spanning years: do not, under any circumstances, say your ex’s name. Just don’t. Don’t do it.

2) Don’t Get Married for Publicity and/or Promotion of Your Awful Reality Shows

kim_wedding_tile2

Kimmy K, I’m thrilled you have a wee one and a blossoming relationship with my favorite person ever, Yeezus, but what in the HELL were you thinking with that 20 second marriage to Kris Humphries? Girlfriend, you should never, ever marry for publicity’s sake. What a terrible move. I really hope you aren’t doing the same to my Yeezus. Don’t do it.

3) Don’t Steal Someone Else’s Wedding

Not talking your ridiculous pilfering of ideas from Pinterest (though, not sure “this wedding looks like it came directly from Pinterest!” is always a compliment), we’re talking about literally usurping someone else’s wedding. This usually happens with the help of a dolt of a brother. We’re looking at you, Cory Matthews.

No one wants to go to jail on their wedding day.

No one wants to go to jail on their wedding day.

4) Don’t Even Try to Marry Brandon When You Want to Marry Dylan

I don’t think you guys even know how many fan videos there are on the internet centered around the failed romance of Kelly and Brandon. Consider this your warning.

But, seriously, if you want to marry Dylan, don’t agree to marry Brandon. Just don’t.

5) Don’t Wear a Dead Bird as Your Headpiece

Only Carrie Bradshaw could pull this off. And she barely did.

Polly Want an Open Bar?

Polly Want an Open Bar?

Unless you are wearing a dead bird as a message to all birds to not crap on your dress and mess with your special day. If that’s your move, I applaud it.

6) Don’t Have Your Bachelor Party Right Before Your Wedding, And Definitely Don’t Leave the Planning up to Your Alan

We all know how this turns out.

7) Don’t Release a Badger in the Airducts of the Reception Hall

Winston is tragically underused in New Girl, but his tendency to go too far yields hilarious results. Though he could be a warning tale for all intents and purposes, it is particularly important to note: do not release a badger into the airducts of the reception venue and then get stuck chasing said badger through the airducts. Badgers have no place at a wedding, unless it is a raccoon wedding. And then, please take pictures and send them to PinotNinja. You guys know how much she loves raccoons.

I love this clip because this is what any one of us would do if stuck in an air duct for ten minutes: self-reflection and monologuing. Plus, it’s subtitled in Italian. Perfect. Just perfect.

8) Don’t Marry for a Royal Title That Involves a Dowry (Or, Don’t Get Married to that Creep Louis, SERIOUSLY)

Oh, God, Blair. Nooooooo.

9) Don’t Murder Any of Your Guests During the Wedding

Sure, you may want to punch your annoying Aunt Martha in the face when she criticizes everything EVER, but you hold back because no one wants the cops on their wedding day and you have the capacity to turn the other cheek. Some folks, however, just don’t have the decency to abide by oaths of hospitality.

Dude, you are SO screwed.  (*sob*)

Dude, you are SO screwed. (*sob*)

10) Don’t Leave Your Own Wedding with a Dude on Rollerblades

Great advice from a beloved show (RIP Happy Endings). Even if you don’t want to marry your intended, maybe don’t bail when a dude on rollerblades objects. But even if you do – don’t go on your honeymoon with that rollerblading dude. Poor form, Alex. Just awful.

I think there is just so much that could go wrong on a wedding day (torrential downpours for me; a random and rambling best man speech for PN), why not avoid some of the biggest blunders. Unless you are looking to make good television, then have at it. But don’t be upset when some Internet Denizen calls your wedding “derivative.”

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Move Over Will and Kate, This Is the Wedding of the Decade

Blair Waldorf is marrying Seth Cohen.

I repeat.

BLAIR WALDORF IS MARRYING SETH COHEN.*

Best idea ever.

Best idea ever.

THIS IS THE BIGGEST NEWS EVER, because the it means that the worlds of The O.C. and Gossip Girl, two of the most seminal television shoes of my generation, are finally colliding.  I can officially die happy.

For those of you living under a rock for the last decade, Seth and Blair are the king and queen of the Josh Schwartz teen drama universe.

Seth, albeit on first appearance the geeky second fiddle to Ryan Atwood’s leather cuff wearing brooding protagonist, was the driving force behind the wit, humor, and emo-laden indie music soundtrack that made The O.C. a tour de force in the mid-2000s.  Seth is the guy whose best friend was a plastic horse named Captain Oats (I swear it was much more charming than it sounds), who coined the term Chrismakkuh, who perfectly summarized the insanity that was the Cohen-Atwood-Roberts-Cooper family tree when he said “It’s a tale as old as time. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out girl is surrogate mom’s illegitimate step-mother,” who provided his girlfriend with a “Seth Cohen Starter Park” that included The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay and The Goonies and who might just be a stunning satire of Canada.  In short, Seth totally stole the show and is awesome.

Just a boy and his horse.

Just a boy and his horse listening to some Death Cab for Cutie.

Blair, albeit on first appearance the constant runner-up to Serena Van Der Woodsen’s cleavage-blessed protagonist, was similarly the driving force behind the wit, humor, and preppy-based fashion that made Gossip Girl a tour de force in the early 2010s.  This is the girl who is responsible for the power headband fashion trend, deporting Georgina Sparks to Russia,  making the Met steps a status symbol, turning Chuck Bass into a good person, and stating the obvious truth that “it’s so hard finding obedient minions.”  In short, Blair is everything that I want to be and is awesome.

As do I Blair, as do I.

As do I Blair, as do I.

With the union of Blair and Seth and their mutual love of Thanksgiving, everything is FINALLY  right in the world.  I’ve been waiting for this moment since Blair said, with respect to Serena, “I’m sick of always looking like Darth Vader next to sunshine Barbie.”  If that Star Wars reference wasn’t a mating call specifically meant for Seth Cohen, then I don’t know what is.

Of course, this blessed event leaves me with SO many questions. Will Dorota be the maid of honor?  Will Ryan Atwood be the best man?  Will Captain Oats be present?  Will he bring Princess Sparkles as his date to the wedding or will she refuse to attend out of loyalty to Summer Roberts, who was, after all, Seth’s first wife?  Will the ghosts of Bart Bass and Marissa Cooper haunt their blessed union?  Will Little J finally realize that the model who destroyed her fashion line was actually Kaitlyn Cooper? Will Blair walk down the aisle while Rufus Humphreys plays an acoustic cover of a song by The Shins on the mandolin?

Just imagine the dorky law and Judaism conversations that Blair’s stepfather Cyrus and Seth’s dad Sandy will have at the reception!  Kirsten Cohen and Lily Van Der Woodsen will drink the place out of Chardonnay in under an hour!  Taylor Townsend and Neli Yuki will finally be united, which means that they will assuredly plot to take over the universe together, because they went to the Sorbonne and Yale and were smarter than all of the rest of those kids and its about time someone noticed!

I, for one, could not be happier that Blair finally heard those “three words, eight letters” that she was always waiting for and that it was from Seth Cohen.

Mazel Tov!

* Okay, fine, perhaps technically it is Leighton Meester and Adam Brody who are engaged, but whatever.

Yes, fine, you are both very nice real people who just want to get coffee, wear comfy clothes, and be in love.  I understand that you are not actually Seth Cohen and Blair Waldorf.  But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I’m sure that you are both very nice real people who just want to get coffee, wear comfy clothes, and be in love. I understand that you are not actually Seth Cohen and Blair Waldorf, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.


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Stop Pretending That Downton Abbey Is Better Than Gossip Girl

After hearing rave reviews from dignified people about Downton Abbey, I avoided it.  I was convinced that, if those people liked the show, there was no way that I would.  They watched C-SPAN on purpose and read The Economist, whereas I exclusively watch Bravo and the only periodical I ever peruse is US Weekly.  As we all know, I’m way more Britney Spears than J.S. Bach.

But then a friend who loves glitter and Beyoncé as much as I do pressed her Downton Abbey DVD collection into my mitts and insisted that I watch it.

It was love at first episode

And you know why I love Downton Abbey?  Because it’s a trashy soap opera that is essentially a reboot of my beloved Gossip Girl.

One and the same.

One and the same.

Those cats over in England just took the plot lines and characters from Gossip Girl, translated them into British, and threw some landed gentry titles at them. Yet, somehow, it’s culturally astute and high-brow to watch Downton Abbey, while it’s immature and low-brow to watch Gossip Girl.  Downton Abbey won a Golden Globe and an Emmy while Gossip Girl was relegated to the Teen Choice Awards.

What the hell, people?  What. The. Hell.

You don’t believe me?  Here are just some examples that go far beyond the constant presence of tuxedos and ball gowns in both shows.

Slide1

We all know who the boss is, and it isn’t Tony Danza.

Lord Robert and Lady Cora Grantham are Lily Rhodes Van Der Woodsen Bass Humphrey Bass and Rufus Humphrey.  Lily and Cora both fund their empires, are the brains of their marriages, and live at the mercy of their brash mothers who control the purse strings.  Both women indulge their ridiculous children and cover up their indiscretions.  Remember when Lady Cora carried a dead Mr. Pamuk across Downton and lied about his death to protect her skanky daughter’s reputation?  That is awfully reminiscent of when Lily forged an affidavit falsely accusing Serena’s boarding school teacher of statutory rape to protect her skanky daughter’s reputation.  Robert and Rufus are the well-meaning but bumbling kept men who invest in such rational things as trains and art.  Robert can’t get a real post in the military during the war and Rufus can’t get a real spot for Lincoln Hawk on the tour circuit. If Robert knew how to cook, he would be forcing his damned waffles on everyone.

Every show needs a bored and narcissistic socialite.

Every show needs a bored and narcissistic socialite.

Mary Crawley is a brunette Serena Van Der Woodsen.  Both women are spoiled brats who do whatever and whomever they want without consequence.  They both married men to whom they are vaguely related, but no one ever mentions that fact.  Mary used to refer to Matthew as “Cousin Matthew,” because he was actually her cousin.  But, once they were engaged, no one spoke of that again.  Serena married Dan, who was her step-brother and with whom she shared a half-brother.  That shared half-brother who conveniently disappeared once Dan and Serena got together and he wasn’t at their wedding despite being related to both sides.  When the Dowager Countess said that Mary could be dealt with by marrying her off to “some Italian who is not too picky,” she totally could have been talking about Serena.

Slide1

I read things and like to act worldly because once I was almost poor.

Matthew Crawley is what happens if you age Dan Humphrey.  Both men have ridiculous hair, come from “humble” backgrounds, and are portrayed as low-class outsiders.  But, really, both men went to fancy prep schools, lived in posh urban lofts, and had housekeepers or stay-at-home dads to tend to their every need.  No one really liked either of them when they first arrived, and they were often insufferable with all of their reading and ideas about bringing their upper-class families back to reality.  But, in the end, despite all of their noise about change and equity, all they really want is to fit in and get the girl.

With these outfits, this could easily have been a scene straight out of Downton Abbey.

With these outfits, this easily could have been a scene in Downton Abbey.

Mary and Matthew also borrow heavily from the book of Blair and Chuck.  They all spent years embroiled in a will they, won’t they romance plagued by bad timing.  Then, just when they were about to finally get together, a near-fatal injury came between them.  For Matthew, it was a post-war spinal injury.  For Chuck, it was a coma after a limo wreck.  Those injuries caused Matthew to forsake Mary even though he loved her and Blair to forsake Chuck even though she loved him, both for ridiculous reasons.  Mary’s heartbreak and attempt to carry on in the face of Matthew’s wedding to Lavinia was a throwback to Chuck’s heartbreak and attempt to carry on in the face of Blair’s wedding to Prince Louis.  And, of course, Matthew’s stuffed dog charm is the engagement ring that Blair secretly wore around her neck.

Slide1

Such spectacular hair…

Lady Sybil is the Nate Archibald of Yorkshire.  Both of our well-coiffed friends are incredibly sweet, naive, and misguided.  They try to do the right thing, but the subtleties of the situation often escape them and they are horrible schemers.  They both dabbled in politics — Sybil attending rallies and Nate trying to class up the Spectator — but no one ever took them seriously.  And, they both had a thing for the lower classes.  Sybil fell in love and ran away with Branson, while Nate fell in love with and attempted to run away Vanessa, Lola,  and Juliet.

Slide1

Why so sour?

Thomas Barrow is Jenny Humphrey, right down to the lemon-faced expression and penchant for small leather gloves.  Those two are always scheming and manipulating to better their station in life, yet they always fail.  Underneath their evil exterior, though, Thomas and Little J are just sad souls who you can’t help but occasionally pity even though you wish that they would just go away already.

Everyone loves a love story, especially when it involves the help.

Everyone loves a love story, especially when it involves the help.

Anna and John Bates are Dorota and Vanya.  Anna spends hours catering to Lady Mary and assists in her most devious schemes.  Dorota spent her life catering to Blair and could assemble minions and skulk around in a trench coat at the drop of a hat.  And, of course, both Anna and Dorota had their own epic love stories with men who worked in the building, complete with tear-inducing weddings.

Slide1

Here comes trouble to spice up the later seasons.

This new cousin Rose character is totally going to be the Georgina Sparks of Downton Abbey.  She reeks of booze and trouble.  The Russian mafia will be making an appearance any day now.

Why can't rich people remember what their relatives look like?

Why can’t rich people remember what their relatives look like?

Downton Abbey usurped the Ivy Dickens/Charlie Rhodes storyline when it had an unrecognizably injured Canadian soldier show up at Downton and pretend to be Patrick Crawley using a scant amount of background details and a large amount of charm.  I wonder if he’ll take another page out of Ivy’s playbook and show up again next season to somehow worm his way into the Dowager Countess’ will?

Apparently everyone likes a little ink on their hands.

Everyone likes to get a little ink on their hands.

Downton Abbey has mimicked Gossip Girl‘s fascination with the newspaper industry, treating it with scorn yet being able to keep their hands out of it.  On Gossip Girl, Nate, despite not being apparently literate, bought The Spectator and had an affair with his older, unsuitable editor, Serena wrote a column for the Spectator, Dan was published in Vanity Fair, and Chuck nailed Dan’s book editor.  Over on the other side of the pond, Mary almost married journalist Richard Carlisle, Edith is a newspaper columnist, and Edith is on the cusp of having an affair with her older, unsuitable editor.

Bitch, please.

Bitch, please.

And, of course, the Dowager Countess is Blair Waldorf in 50 years.  Blair ages only one way, and it involves always being impeccably dressed, always enforcing decorum and rules, always having the best biting one-liner of the scene, and always achieving all of her desires with a scheme and a mere glance to her army of willing minions.

Based upon all of that, it’s clear that the Brits have been pulling a fast one, banking on the assumption that Americans would automatically think that anything with a British accent and some vaguely royal titles is classy and dignified.  Who could blame them?  We did fall for Princess Fergie after all.

But I will be tricked no more!  I will no longer permit anyone who enjoys Downton Abbey to look down upon Gossip Girl and its teen drama brethren with scorn.

You all are just as trashy as I am.


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Aristotle Was Talking About Blair and Serena

It’s an age-old question: Does art imitate life or does life imitate art?

No one illustrates the Aristoltelian mimesis debate better than Blake “Serena van der Woodsen” Lively and Leighton “Blair Waldorf” Meester.

Yes, I am using Gossip Girl characters to discuss ancient Greek philosophy.  Did you expect anything else from me?

Yes, I am using Gossip Girl characters to discuss ancient Greek philosophy. Did you expect anything else from me?

Blair and Serena are the best frenemies television has ever seen.  They love hard and they fight even harder.  Blair undisputedly has the market cornered on brains, ambition, leadership, and fashion sense.  But, yet, every time, Serena always comes out on top with everyone looking at her lovingly.

Granted Blair did some serious scheming and took down more than one socialite, but, when it came to dastardly deeds, Serena was the ultimate.  A drunk Serena took the virginity of her best friend Blair’s long-term boyfriend Nate.  Knowing that Yale was Blair’s lifelong dream school, Serena sabotaged Blair’s application, was accepted into Yale while Blair was not, and then didn’t even go to Yale.  Serena gave Blair her blessing to date Dan, but then, despite that, Serena destroyed that budding relationship and Blair’s life by publishing Blair’s diary to the entire world.  And, as if that wasn’t enough, then Serena slept with Dan.

Oh, B and S, so much of your drama is such BS.

Oh, B and S, so much of your drama is such BS.

In addition to her crimes against Blair, Serena KILLED someone.  Serena had an innocent teacher locked away in prison as a sex offender for years.  And, Serena got high and passed out on Metro North.  All of those, individually, are unforgivable offenses.  Yet, somehow, because she’s Serena, everyone just rolled with it.

Everyone, especially Blair, always forgave Serena.  She was always up on a pedastol while Blair always played her lady-in-waiting even though, for a brief moment, Blair was actually royalty.  In the end, Serena married Dan in Blair’s apartment in a room full of her closest friends and family, all of whom she had done unspeakable things to on multiple occasions.  And, yet, there they were gazing at her adoringly as she glided down the stairs above them.

WHAT?!

Has there ever been such an untouchable golden girl?

Things out in the real world aren’t much different.  Blake Lively, who played Serena van der Woodsen, and Leighton Meester, who played Blair Waldorf, are stuck in the same paradigm as their characters.  Both women are stunningly beautiful.  Both women are talented actresses.  Yet, even though she hustles her ass off, Leighton just can’t catch a break while Blake is one adorable bungle away from accidentally wandering into a room and having an Oscar with her name on it fall into her lap.

Before being cast in Gossip Girl, both Blake and Leighton were working actresses.  Blake was one of the four leads in the adorable movie The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, while Leighton was working the guest role circuit and had been on a pile of shows, including Crossing Jordan, 8 Simple Rules, 7th Heaven, Veronica Mars, 24, House, and Entourage.  They were on fairly equivalent footing coming into the show.

But then everything changed.

As a highly promoted lead CW actress on a teen drama, Blake Lively’s career trajectory should have involved a reality show on Oxygen, a downward drug-fueled spiral, or, at best, another role on a Josh Schwartz show.

But, no, Blake landed a prominent role in Ben Affleck’s critically acclaimed movie The Town, a co-starring role in the Green Lantern alongside Ryan Reynolds, and a role in Oliver Stone’s The Savages.  I know she’s got an outstanding rack and great hair, but really?!  How do you go from a CW teen drama to working with multiple oscar winners and a summer action blockbuster?

As if that’s not enough, in 2011 Blake was featured in Time magazine’s 100 influential people issue with a write up by Baz Luhrman.  Again, really?!

And, in what may be her ultimate coup de grace to every other woman on the planet, Blake married Ryan Reynolds after meeting him on the set of The Green Lantern while he was still married to Scarlett Johansson.  Yes, think about that.  Blake and Ryan meet on set in early 2010.  By the end of 2010, Ryan and ScarJo are divorced.  By 2012, Blake and ScarJo are married, holed up in a multimillion dollar “cottage” in upstate New York, and living a life of domestic bliss.

Does this sound familiar?

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WITH ANGELINA JOLIE, BRAD PITT, AND JENNIFER ANISTON!  You know, that huge scandal that made millions around the world hate Angelina Jolie and created a bazillion tabloid covers.  But, yet, even though Scarlett Johansson is a much bigger celebrity than Jennifer Aniston, no one noticed.

Blake Lively got absolutely no shit for that.  NONE.  She just tossed her blond hair, flashed her charismatic smile, and all was forgiven.

With a smile like that, apparently a starlet is beyond the reach of wild speculation and nasty rumors.

With a smile like that, apparently a starlet is beyond the reach of wild speculation and nasty rumors.

And, in the other corner, we have Leighton Meester.

Once on Gossip Girl, Leighton went full-throttle with her career.  She landed a role in Country Strong alongside Oscar winner Gwenyth Paltrow, but, despite good reviews for Leighton, the movie was a flop.  Since then, she’s been relegated to critically denigrated horror films starring other former CW stars and Selena Gomez flicks for tweens.  Oh, and That’s My Boy.  I get why she did that movie since it starred both Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg, but, as is evidenced by its 8 Golden Raspberry Award nominations and the fact that I could not sit through it despite my undying love of Blair Waldorf and The Lonely Island, it was one of the worst comedies ever written.

How did Dorota let this happen to you?

How did Dorota let this happen to you?

And then there’s Leighton’s personal life.  While Blake was skipping around potentially seducing her married co-stars without nary a tabloid witch hunt, Leighton was all over the tabloids because she was embroiled in a nasty legal battle driven by her mother’s attempt to extort millions of dollars from her.  And, while Blake is filming spots for Vogue from her country mansion with her movie-star husband, Blair’s been quietly dating The O.C. star Adam Brody while making coffee runs in Encino in cut-offs.

Stars.  They are just like us.

Stars. They’re just like us.

Now, none of this is to downgrade everything that Leighton has accomplished.  She has managed to parlay her teen drama fame into a movie career and a happy relationship with a cool indie movie star LA boyfriend.  That is way above and beyond anything that nearly all of the other young CW stars have been able to pull off.  What are Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick doing these days?

But, its unbelievable that there is such a chasm between Leighton and Blake.  They came from the same place.  They were doing the same thing.  And, in a lot of ways, Leighton was working harder and doing it better, especially on Gossip Girl where her delivery of cutting one-liners was impeccable.  She carried that show.  But, yet, somehow Blake/Serena always manages to come out on top.

Did being cast as the untouchable golden girl Serena van der Woodson cause Blake Lively’s life to become just as golden?  Or was Blake Lively cast as Serena van der Woodsen because she was actually an untouchable golden girl?  Now that’s a conundrum for Aristotle to ponder for the next several thousand years.

But, whether its life imitating art or art imitating life, one thing is for sure.  Any way you slice it, everything in Blake “Serena van der Woodsen” Lively’s life will always be coming up Milhouse.


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I Refuse To Be A Teen Drama Spinster

For the first time in over 23 years, I’m not in a committed relationship with a teen drama.

I have no idea what to do with myself or where I went astray, but things feel very, very wrong right now.  Very wrong.

It all began in the fall of 1990.

I had just started the fifth grade and had unbridled freedom over the television since my harried parents were totally overwhelmed by my  rambunctious 7 and 4 year old brothers.  And, with that freedom, I found a little show called Beverly Hills 90210.  I instantly fell in love, mostly because I knew I would be in serious trouble if my parents ever realized that I was up past my bed time and watching something wildly inappropriate.  The girls were beyond cool and lord knows Dylan McKay was the hottest thing I had ever laid eyes on.  Dylan very quickly replaced my waning crush on Donnie Wahlberg and became my everything.  What can I say, apparently I had a thing for bad boys with male pattern baldness when I was in middle school.

My first love, so sweet and innocent.

My first love, so sweet and innocent.

Bev and I stayed together through high school and got each other through some rough times.  When the boy I had a crush on didn’t call me, Bev was there for me.  And, when Bev was stuck in that  painfully bad Kelly Taylor gets trapped in a fire and then joins a cult storyline, I was there for it.

When I graduated from high school and went off to college, I met a new show [Of course, like any good high school relationship, I kept Bev around until its finale, and we would reconnect whenever I needed a taste of home.  There was no way I was going to miss David and Donna’s wedding after I had already committed 8 years to the show.  No way.].

My new teen drama flame was named Dawson’s Creek, and it was love at first sight.  I liked to fancy myself a less lemon-faced version of Joey Potter.  I prided myself on being able to follow the witty banter and cinematic references like the smart college girl that I was, or at least on being able to pretend that I understood the references well enough to fool all of the other people in the dorm TV lounge until I could run back to my room and spend hours researching the obscure references using AltaVista and my dial-up connection.  I still get teary eyed thinking about the finale of the show.  Jen Lindley’s death broke my spirit and nearly killed me.

Together we learned about fancy ideals, precociousness, and how to become adults (or at least pretend to be adults).

Together we learned about fancy ideals, precociousness, and how to become adults (or at least pretend to talk like adults).

Before I could finish wiping away my tears and contemplating whether Joey made the right choice in Pacey, a new teen drama turned my head.  Even though I was now well into my early 20s, The O.C. was a siren song that I just could not resist.  And while it was still about high schoolers, I felt like it was appropriate for my station in life because it was a bit tongue in cheek, it had a killer soundtrack, it incorporated a delightful level of scheming (Julie Cooper was an evil genius if ever there was one), and if its good enough for Peter Gallagher, then it’s definitely good enough for me.  I still count this as one of my all-time favorite shows, I will always have a special love for Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson, and I am not ashamed.  Seth and Summer forever.

Together, we learned how to scheme, how to rock out to indie music, and how to properly raise a bunny named Pancakes.   And, yes, Marissa's absence is on purpose.

Together, we learned how to scheme, how to rock out to indie music, and how to properly raise a bunny named Pancakes.
And, yes, Marissa’s absence is on purpose.

By the time The O.C. wrapped up, I had moved to New York City, was working at a corporate job, and had become acquainted with my dear friends Bergdorf and Goodman.  Because we obviously had a transcendent connection, Josh Schwartz, the brilliant creator of The O.C., decided at that very moment to create a teen drama set in the glitzy Manhattan world of which I was getting my first taste.  Gossip Girl was just what I needed to guide my through my new phase of life.  Yes, I was in my late 20s and looking to fictional spoiled teenagers for guidance, but, really, who wouldn’t look to Blair Waldorf for advice.  That girl was even fiercer than her headbands, and that’s saying a lot.

Gossip Girl

You were my Manhattan senseis, even if I never could figure out how to acquire an army of minions or have my enemy deported to Russia.

Last December, appropriately after I had moved on from NYC and settled into my own version of married life, Gossip Girl came to a close with Dan and Serena’s wedding.  While I was overjoyed to see that Blair and Chuck ended up together with a beautiful child and kept their impeccable fashion sense and glamour through parenthood, I was heartbroken to say goodbye to my friends even though it was clearly time for all of us to move on.

It has been six long months since then and I still have not found my next teen drama.  I haven’t been single this long since I was 10 years old.  WHAT IS HAPPENING?

I have looked high and low.  I have hung out for countless hours on the CW and Fox.  I even tried ABC Family.  But nothing has caught my attention.  Nothing.

I am beside myself with desperation.

Does this mean I’m old?  I reject that proposition.  The mid-30s are the new teens, right?  I simply cannot be the problem.

Instead, I blame my teen drama relationship status, or lack thereof, on the decline of scripted television.

For years, I have decried all those who claim that reality television is the end of society.  I’m sorry, but the Real Housewives franchise is damn good television.  Sometimes, its even educational.  And, you all know my feelings about So You Think You Can Dance.

But, the time has come to draw the line.  Reality television has gone too far.  You do not get between me and angsty high school schemers who are played by gorgeous 29-year-olds.  Just no.

I want a good teen drama and I want it now.  None of this Vampire nonsense and none of this prequels to shows that I already watched and loved ridiculousness.  I want a brand new group of young friends to enrapture me with their overly complicated trials and tribulations, to make me laugh at their biting one liners, to guide me on what the hip young things are up to, and to wow me with their fashion sense and perfectly curled and voluminous hair.  C’mon now television, it is really not too much to ask that you focus on creating this type of highbrow, culturally astute programming instead of another bad reality game show.

Shows like Wipeout and Perfect Score had better watch their backs.  With the power invested in me by Valerie Malone, Abby Morgan, Julie Cooper, and Blair Waldorf, I will take them down.

I refuse to be a teen drama spinster.


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Theon Greyjoy Should Be a Puppet

Throughout my Game of Thrones addiction, I have struggled to find something, anything, redeeming about Theon Greyjoy.

It has been a hard-fought battle that I have continually lost.

One of the best things about Game of Thrones is the complexity of the characters.  While the characters are all severely flawed, I’ve also been able to find something redeeming about nearly all of them, even the most horrific ones.  For example, the Hound, who is a killing machine, did attempt to save Sansa from the Lannisters.  Cersei, the power-hungry and ruthless queen who allowed a child to be nearly killed to conceal her illicit affair with her twin brother (ew!), is also a mother who wants, above all else, to love and protect her three children.  And, even Jamie Lannister, the brutal kingslayer, sister screwer and attempted child killer, captured a bit of my heart when he saved Brienne of Tarth.

But, I’ve got nothing nice to say about Theon.

The dude is just a dick.

Theon

The only person worse than you is Joffrey.

I even tried to feel sorry for him because his dad traded him to the Starks to keep the Iron Islands.  I likened him to Blair Waldorf — who I will love and adore for all of my days — and that time that Chuck Bass traded her to Jack Bass to keep The Empire Hotel.** I still have not forgiven Chuck for that.

But, despite suffering a fate similar to that of my dear Blair, I still felt no compassion for Theon.  This is most likely because, despite being treated like a family member by the Starks (and who wouldn’t want to be a Stark?), he did such despicably bratty things as suggesting that direwolf puppies be killed, betraying his best friend, and murdering two children.

I’m sorry, Theon, but you just do not mess with puppies, best friends, and children.  Everyone knows that.

I had all but given up on Theon when I saw this:

With one phrase — “It’s a stunt tushie, baby” — and some light mocking of Game of Thrones, I can finally say something nice about Theon.  He can be as self-deprecating and funny as Tyrion.  Finally!

I also learned that Theon is Lily Allen’s little brother.

And, I learned that she told the entire world, in a very catchy song, that he is a complete loser who spends all of his time locked in his room playing video games alone:

Theon is a pathetic stoned puppet!

Theon has to live in a tiny room in the same house as crazy Lily Allen!

Theon has to use a stunt tushie!

I totally feel bad for Theon now.  No wonder he’s such a dick!

HBO should really consider recasting Theon as a puppet next season and letting him tell a few jokes.

It’s not like it would be any weirder than when fire priestess Melisandre gave birth to a murderous smoke demon in a cave.

**