Not too long ago, PinotNinja and I attended a pretty great wedding celebrating one of our dearest college friends. It was a lovely wedding, with lots of charm and character that came directly from the bride and groom. Leading up to the blessed event, we got to talking about weddings we had attended where things were… not so lovely? You know the wedding where the Best Man gives a terrible speech, there is a cash bar, and it is outside in the middle of winter? Or, when the groom says the name of his ex in his vows, the bride and groom are getting married for a reality TV show, or someone brings a badger to a wedding? Though some of this comes from real life experience, there’s much to be learned from our favorite point of reference: Pop Culture.
And with that, we present The Stunted Guide to Wedding Planning.
1) Don’t Say Your Ex’s Name During Your Vows
Oh, Ross. You are the worst. But you know what was horrible? When you said Rachel’s name when you were marrying Emily. You know what was great? When you said Rachel’s name when you were marrying Emily.
Take heed all non-Friends characters caught in a will they/won’t they scenario spanning years: do not, under any circumstances, say your ex’s name. Just don’t. Don’t do it.
2) Don’t Get Married for Publicity and/or Promotion of Your Awful Reality Shows
Kimmy K, I’m thrilled you have a wee one and a blossoming relationship with my favorite person ever, Yeezus, but what in the HELL were you thinking with that 20 second marriage to Kris Humphries? Girlfriend, you should never, ever marry for publicity’s sake. What a terrible move. I really hope you aren’t doing the same to my Yeezus. Don’t do it.
3) Don’t Steal Someone Else’s Wedding
Not talking your ridiculous pilfering of ideas from Pinterest (though, not sure “this wedding looks like it came directly from Pinterest!” is always a compliment), we’re talking about literally usurping someone else’s wedding. This usually happens with the help of a dolt of a brother. We’re looking at you, Cory Matthews.
No one wants to go to jail on their wedding day.
4) Don’t Even Try to Marry Brandon When You Want to Marry Dylan
I don’t think you guys even know how many fan videos there are on the internet centered around the failed romance of Kelly and Brandon. Consider this your warning.
But, seriously, if you want to marry Dylan, don’t agree to marry Brandon. Just don’t.
5) Don’t Wear a Dead Bird as Your Headpiece
Only Carrie Bradshaw could pull this off. And she barely did.
Polly Want an Open Bar?
Unless you are wearing a dead bird as a message to all birds to not crap on your dress and mess with your special day. If that’s your move, I applaud it.
6) Don’t Have Your Bachelor Party Right Before Your Wedding, And Definitely Don’t Leave the Planning up to Your Alan
We all know how this turns out.
7) Don’t Release a Badger in the Airducts of the Reception Hall
Winston is tragically underused in New Girl, but his tendency to go too far yields hilarious results. Though he could be a warning tale for all intents and purposes, it is particularly important to note: do not release a badger into the airducts of the reception venue and then get stuck chasing said badger through the airducts. Badgers have no place at a wedding, unless it is a raccoon wedding. And then, please take pictures and send them to PinotNinja. You guys know how much she loves raccoons.
I love this clip because this is what any one of us would do if stuck in an air duct for ten minutes: self-reflection and monologuing. Plus, it’s subtitled in Italian. Perfect. Just perfect.
8) Don’t Marry for a Royal Title That Involves a Dowry (Or, Don’t Get Married to that Creep Louis, SERIOUSLY)
Oh, God, Blair. Nooooooo.
9) Don’t Murder Any of Your Guests During the Wedding
Sure, you may want to punch your annoying Aunt Martha in the face when she criticizes everything EVER, but you hold back because no one wants the cops on their wedding day and you have the capacity to turn the other cheek. Some folks, however, just don’t have the decency to abide by oaths of hospitality.
Dude, you are SO screwed. (*sob*)
10) Don’t Leave Your Own Wedding with a Dude on Rollerblades
Great advice from a beloved show (RIP Happy Endings). Even if you don’t want to marry your intended, maybe don’t bail when a dude on rollerblades objects. But even if you do – don’t go on your honeymoon with that rollerblading dude. Poor form, Alex. Just awful.
I think there is just so much that could go wrong on a wedding day (torrential downpours for me; a random and rambling best man speech for PN), why not avoid some of the biggest blunders. Unless you are looking to make good television, then have at it. But don’t be upset when some Internet Denizen calls your wedding “derivative.”
Stunted Adults 
February 6, 2014 at 8:00 PM
Thank you for warming my heart with a trip back to 90210……. 🙂
February 10, 2014 at 12:20 PM
I am always down for a return to Bev. Always!
February 6, 2014 at 10:01 PM
Bahahaha – I love this post! And the notion of wearing a bird as a warning to other birds – awesome! Bachelor parties should never be the day before – I never understood that! The last wedding I attended the groom was so hungover he almost vomited at the reception and his wife spent the first day of their wedded bliss calling him a shit show. Sweet love. If I see a raccoon I’ll send it to Pinot – her mother-in-law can serve it for Christmas dinner again. Wee. Btw- I was the production accountant for My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé and therefore have the authority to concur: reality tv weddings can always be filed under: no bueno. Hilarious post – love love love.
February 10, 2014 at 12:23 PM
That is the sweetest love, indeed!
Far be it for me to gloss over the MOST IMPORTANT FACT in your comment, your inside reality TV position! So jealous! I absolutely watched that show. Every last minute of it!
February 10, 2014 at 12:29 PM
repeat comment!
February 6, 2014 at 10:26 PM
Very funny! At my wedding all was going smoothly until during the conga line, someone stepped on my dress train and my strapless dress almost came off. There are pics as evidence of this, luckily it was not a complete wardrobe malfunction – sans nipples. 🙂
February 11, 2014 at 10:56 AM
Ah, there’s always trouble with a Conga Line, right? It sounds like you took it in stride and with a boatload of class. Bonus points for no nipple!
February 7, 2014 at 8:15 AM
If a badger in a tux shows up in my backyard, I AM OUT. Unless Kato makes me her maid of honor, and then maybe MAYBE I’ll stay for the blessed event.
Also, is that Bree from Desperate Housewives at Cory & Topanga’s wedding?! That woman really can’t stay away from a suburban crime scene, especially if there is formal wear and canapes.
February 11, 2014 at 10:57 AM
You bet that is Bree. She is one of the many actresses who played Topanga’s mom, I believe. I think they swapped our her parents every time they made an appearance.
February 11, 2014 at 2:44 PM
Topanga would live in the kind of alternative family that had interchangeable parents. Those Lawrences were so evolved…
February 10, 2014 at 11:51 AM
I love it and agree with ALMOST everything — I don’t think even dear Carrie rocked that bird. It was just sad. But here’s to many more beloved TV shows warming our hearts with sappy reunion movies — Entourage 2014!
February 11, 2014 at 10:58 AM
I feel like the world gives Carrie so much more leeway with bad fashion decisions. I am sure if it was her with a tiger striped mullet (instead of me), that she would be heralded as daring. I was just an ass.
February 10, 2014 at 7:47 PM
haha! i love the reference to SJP’s bird head decor….i don’t quite think she pulled it off either but you gotta love Carrie.
February 11, 2014 at 10:59 AM
Carrie gives it her all, man. Most days I can’t even get out of my pajamas!
February 10, 2014 at 9:13 PM
I’m so glad you included some advice from the red wedding. It’s like the ultimate how-not-to for weddings. Though I hear this next wedding will be pretty great as well…
February 11, 2014 at 11:00 AM
I am SO looking forward to the Purple Wedding for many, many reasons. Many. So many. And the featurette GoT just released just gets me amped up even further.
February 11, 2014 at 11:42 AM
Ah! I know! I sat at my desk and watched it yesterday, no shame. Most productive 15 minutes of my Monday.