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Miley Cyrus Crushed My Yoga Dreams

30 Comments

In what may come as a total and complete surprise, television and Country Boy are not the only loves in my life.

I’m also having a torrid love affair with both running and yoga.

I know.  I KNOW.  I am one of THOSE people who rearranges her entire schedule to fit in a workout and who actually looks forward to it.

My idea of a good time.

My idea of a good time.

Please don’t hate me.  I still eat cake.  Lots and lots of cake.

And by cake, I mean cake with wine.  Obviously.

And by cake, I mean cake with wine. Obviously.

About two months ago, I started training for a marathon.  I’ve never run that far before since I’m more of a 5K hit-em-and-quit-em kind of girl, but I decided it was about time I gave a long-term relationship a shot.

Up until a week ago, my training had been going really well.  I had worked up to running over 30 miles per week, I was still excited to go out and run almost every night, and I was remarkably injury free.

But, last Monday, I found myself with a gnarly blood blister on the bottom of my right big toe.  It was so mortifying and disgusting that I started referring to it as Miley Cyrus.

I woke up to find something of this caliber on my foot.

I woke up to find something of this caliber on my foot.

The next day, Miley and I decided to go to a yoga class.

I realize that is an obviously bad decision.  I knew that I should rest my blister so that it would heal quickly.  But, I’ve never been one to make good decisions, and I really needed to feed my yoga addiction.  So, off Miley and I went to the gym — a place where bad things often happen to me involving live television — with me swearing that I was going to take it easy and just focus on getting a good stretch.

By the time I walked into the studio, the room was bursting full of yogis and the only open spot was, of course, front and center.  I sighed, reminded myself to take it easy even though everyone would be looking at me, and took the dreaded center spot

hollywood-squares-200x225

At least being center square would bring me one step closer to Whoopi Goldberg. Pretty soon we’ll be living the dream singing Sister Act duets together.

For the first half of class, I stayed on message.  I modified whenever necessary so that I wouldn’t put too much weight on my toe, I kept my eyes on my own mat, and I almost forgot that I had a lot of people behind me while I was wearing very tight pants.

But then Jay-Z came on over the stereo.  My breath locked in with Hov and we were grooving together.

I couldn’t suppress my inner Beyonce any longer.

The teacher called out crow pose and, with Jay on my side, I popped right up into the arm balance.  I was feeling awesome!  I was flying!  And I was doing it in front of all the other yogis!

I was Sasha Fiercing the hell out of that yoga class.

The next directive was to move into a chatarunga, which is a low tricep push-up.

Instead of carefully coming out of the arm balance and stepping back to a push-up to keep my toe safe, I decided to jump back because that’s what Beyonce would do.

crow

The move goes a little like this, although when I do it it’s high on speed and low on grace.

I did it!  I flew through the air!  I didn’t smash my face of the floor!  Maybe the class would give me a slow clap?  For sure someone would come up to me afterwards and give me a knowing namaste.  I’ve always wanted to be in the inner knowing namaste circle!

But that giant smile on my face disappeared the instant my right foot hit the ground.

There was a large pop.  I felt a searing pain as the right side of my body collapsed onto my mat.  And then I heard a gasp next to me.

Oh Miley, what have you done now?  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Miley had exploded upon impact, and she went EVERYWHERE.

There was blood on my mat, on the studio floor, and on my neighbor’s mat.  All that was missing was some bright yellow police tape and David Caruso.

I tried to play it cool and just casually slide my towel around on the floor to wipe up the blood spatter, but I wasn’t fooling anyone.  There was nothing cool and casual about what I was doing, and, because it was a veritable crime scene, EVERYONE was transfixed and could not look away.

After what felt like an eternity, the class finally ended.  At that moment, everyone in the room fled from me like the pariah that I am.  No one made eye contact and no one said a word.  The way these yogis were acting, you would have thought that I had just twerked all over their stash of kale and quinoa.

So much for my dreams of a knowing namaste.

Thanks, Miley.  You really know how to win friends and impress people.

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Author: PinotNinja

Writer at StuntedAdults.com. A reformed hooligan desperately trying, and generally failing, at the art of being a grown up.

30 thoughts on “Miley Cyrus Crushed My Yoga Dreams

  1. Well, at least the name is appropriate. She also exploded unceremoniously and disgustingly all over a gathering of innocent people.

    Oh, and that is my new favorite wine. We are still rocking the soulmate thing, sister! Well, except for that whole running and yoga and bleeding on everyone thing . . .

    • Oh come on, like you’ve never had an errant blood issue before!

      And, I had a feeling you would be with me on the amazingness that is both cake and red wine named after cake which also happens to pair perfectly with cake (particularly yellow layer cake with chocolate frosting). I don’t understand why anyone would ever make a drink that doesn’t pair well with cake.

  2. Bahahaha – I’m sorry I’m laughing at you but I am! What a hilarious post. I’m never doing yoga with you, but I’m totally game for all the rest : )

    • If you did yoga with me, I can promise that you would never, ever be bored. And, it’s totally cool to laugh at me, because that’s really the only silver lining to be complete inability to act like a competent adult.

  3. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh my. Really… I’m pretty much speechless. #OhMiley

    Except… how did I not know you’re training for a marathon??? I need details, please. When?! Where?! More info needed!

    • It was really a special moment. I am training for a marathon, but I’ve been keeping it under wraps until now because I wasn’t sure if I would actually stick with it. I got through a 14 mile long run on Sunday, so it looks like its official now. I’ll hit you with the details.

  4. Hahaha, that is so opposite of what one expects from their invigorating yoga flow. I personally would have loved to see it. Anything that breaks up the monotony of yoga is okay in my book. Namaste. 🙂

    • You should come and yoga with me then, because I can promise it is never boring. When I’m not letting the blood fly, I am usually engaging in some spectacular crash landings, yelping in pain, and cracking jokes under my breath. I am really a model yogi.

  5. Thanks so much for posting. I just laughed out loud at Starbucks, which was much needed at the end of a long Monday!! This sounds like exactly something I would do, minus the yoga. I’m personally hoping I don’t flip myself over the handle bars at spin class tonight. Hope your toe heals soon!

  6. bahaha, love it! Finally, a realistic yoga class story!

  7. I did a marathon years ago and the sense of accomplishment is huge… be careful not to try to do too much when you start getting back in the groove. My wife started training 3 years ago and got derailed by kidney stones. When she came back she pushed really hard and got into a bunch of trouble that’s too awful to mention here.

    Now, about that yoga. I want to live in a world where they play Jay Z in a yoga class. All of the places here are run by and full of a bunch of hippies, so Yoga with HOVA is not going to happen. Is it Vinyasa?

    • Thanks for the advice and encouragement — I’ll do my best to train hard but smart because I do really want to see what this whole marathon experience is like (although, based on how tired I am already, I don’t know if I have it in me to do this more than once).

      As for the yoga, it is vinyasa and I do it at the same gym where I take barre class (as opposed to a full-time yoga studio), which I think makes it a little bit more athletic and a little bit less omm. If you can find a teacher that does a vinyasa flow class with good music, I cannot recommend it enough. It. Is. Amazing.

  8. You and I must be into the same kind of yoga, because they play upbeat songs like that, and I get flowing………until I fall over. It happens a lot. Thankfully, I did not pop my own Miley Cyrus in class a couple of weeks ago. Because, I can barely do crow, and I absolutely cannot jump back from it into a low pushup. I am in awe. If I had been in class with you, I would’ve been in awe, in spite of the spatter.

    • Thanks! As my thankfully understanding yoga teacher likes to say, you’re not really trying until you’re falling down.

      And, as for crow and the jump back, it’s all going to come to you one day. The key is to pull in your core to get your butt higher up in the air and then to just jam your legs back like you don’t care (those are technical yogi terms). That technique works about 90% of the time, and the rest of the time I sustain some kind of toe-related injury when gravity moves faster than I do.

  9. You are inspiring me to get my run on! I love, love, love it. And yoga. It seems like embarrassing things ALWAYS happen in yoga class. Damn you, Miley!

    • YAY! The best part of exercising, in my book, is that it makes food taste that much more delicious afterwards. A fresh fruit popsicle after a long run is one of the most magical things on earth.

  10. A.) 1000% respect at your arm balance skill. I’m horribly inept at arm balances, but I’m blaming this on genetic deficiencies because according to my dad and my brother we’re supposed to be terrible at upper body strength. I’m hoping that one day I can do the Crow as well as do an unassisted pull-up.

    B.) Seriously, stuff like this is why I do my yoga at home. Yoga Journal has many wonderful sequences aimed at opening up various parts of the body–hips, back, arms, core–and they are worth the time to do. No embarrassing center-stage positioning, no accidental bodily…malfunctions. If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure that my attempts at figuring out indoor rock climbing will make for some entertaining fodder.

    C.) Good luck on marathon training! Is there a specific race in mind?

    • Thanks! If only I was disciplined enough to do yoga at home. I try, but after about 20-30 minutes I lose focus and wander off of my mat and right into a bag of pita chips. I need the pressure of at least 10 people staring at me in order to get through an entire 60 minute session. It’s kind of like how when I run, I have to do out-and-back routes so that I have no opportunity to ditch out early, because if there’s an opportunity I will probably take it. I’m training for the Miami Marathon, which is at the end of January, so I have a little over two months of training to go. As my friends the Counting Crows say, it is going to be a Long December….

  11. Once I got past the fact that you do marathons and yoga and not sit on your bum like I do all day, I was able to read the rest of the post. It helped that you like Cake and wine. Phew! If I were to exert myself in any way (not probable) and JayZ was playing in the background – I would have done exactly as you did. Once the music is on and the beat is penetrating through my bones, I cannot stop myself from getting down! But, yuck and ouch on Miley popping!

  12. Hahaha!!!
    This made me laugh out loud– also, soooo gross.
    Mad respect for doing yoga with an injury– I can’t do yoga when I am at peak physical health. And by “can’t do” I mean “too afraid to try.”
    This totally cracked me up.

  13. I can’t help you much with the running (more of a cyclist) or the yoga (tried it for a while, but it did not stick), but I can help you with your wine choices–Layer Cake? Really?!?

  14. And that is why I do my yoga at home: to avoid blister popping. It has nothing to do with the fact that I’m awful at it.

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